Not Because I’m Nice

by Alan Cohen 

      How much of your life proceeds from a sense of “should?”  How much proceeds from a sense of “would?”  How much from obligation, and how much from choice? Are you social, or honest?

      I met a fellow who has spent many years presenting seminars in a genre similar to what I do.  I sensed that he was tired of his work and probably on the verge of retirement. When I explained to him that I work with lots of people in seminars and coaching to help them move to their next level personally and professionally, he commented, “That’s very nice of you.”

      Nice?  I hadn’t thought of it that way. I don’t do things to be nice. I do things because I feel joy and fulfillment in doing them. I work with people at intimate and sometimes challenging levels of their life because the adventure is stimulating, rewarding, and empowering for me. I learn and grow with my clients as much as they do ― sometimes even more. I do what I do because I love to do it ― not because I’m nice.

      A good career, or right livelihood, is like good sex. Both partners should be enjoying it. I don’t recommend that you have sex or take a job just to be nice. (If you are, I suggest you revisit your intentions.) Of course you want to serve and please your partner in sex, or your clients and company in a career. But unless you are deriving equal joy, the equation is lopsided. Any interaction should bless all parties equally. Don’t stop until you hit that sweet spot.

      I used to be nice, but I got over it. My turning point came when I went to visit some new friends in Toronto, a couple whom I wanted to impress. The husband was a well-known author and his wife a gifted counselor. I thought they were really cool and I wanted them to think I was cool. When they invited me for a weekend,  I was on my best behavior to be really, really nice.

      The first evening of the weekend my hosts invited a small group for dinner.  After dinner, like any respectable do-gooder, I headed for the kitchen to do the dishes. I made a point of renouncing my dessert so I could really do good. As I washed the dishes I made lots of noise and even whistled once in a while to let them know I was very nice.

      The last item to be washed was a large wok. I noticed that the base of the wok was dark with oil from cooking many meals. “Here is a chance to really do good now,” I thought. “I will clean the wok thoroughly.”  I found a piece of steel wool and scrubbed that sucker to the bone, until it was spotless and shiny as a mirror.

      If you cook, you are probably grimacing right about  now. You know that a wok is supposed to have lots of oil in its base. The more oil the better; when a wok is well seasoned, cooking is easier and the food tastier. But I didn’t know that―I was busy doing good.

      After a while the hostess came looking for me; she entered the kitchen just as I was finishing cleaning the wok. I proudly held up the wok to show her, like a five-year-old presenting his mom with the finger-painting he did in kindergarten. “Look, I cleaned the wok!” I told my hostess.

      To my surprise, she did not light up and hug and thank me. Instead, her eyes bulged and her jaw dropped. “It took me three years to season that wok!” she exclaimed.

      That was the last time I ever did good.

      I would like to recommend that you quit doing good before you get in trouble. Instead of doing good, I strongly recommend you do real.

      Real is far more helpful than good. Real begets more good than good. Authenticity is far more of a gift than trying to stuff yourself into a mold that doesn’t fit you and doesn’t work. Robert Louis Stevenson advised, “If your morals make you dreary, depend on it, they are wrong. I do not say give them up, for they may be all you have. But conceal them like a vice, lest they spoil the lives of better and simpler people.      

      “But Alan,” you argue, slightly uncomfortable or irritated. “If everyone just did what they wanted, the world would be chaos. People would rape and pillage, and we’d live in bedlam.” 

      Not really. If everyone did what they wanted, the world would be far happier and more efficient. Someone once asked me, “If everyone followed their bliss, what kind of world would this be?” I answered, “A very blissful world.” Lots of people would love to be waitresses, or school custodians, or groom horses. You can’t understand that because you are not them. If you were them, you would find bliss exactly as they are. And they are.

      Here’s the key:  The spirit within you is intelligent and responsible. It would never guide you to hurt anyone. The more you are true to yourself, the better position you are in to serve as many people as possible. Your inner guidance loves to be helpful, and ultimately what is most helpful to you is most helpful to others. Frederick Buechner wisely declared, “To find our calling is to find the intersection between our own deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger.”

      Start with your own deep gladness, and you will be amazed at how quickly and efficiently you are led to fill the world’s deep hunger. Not because you are nice. Because you are you.

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