RELATIONSHIPS

How to Handle Relationships Chosen from Fear?

I got involved with a man 8 months ago, rationalizing that I could handle a hook-up without wanting more. I decided that I wanted more, he fell in love, but our incompatibility led me to conclude we were not right for each other. I care for this man, and want a  friendship with him. I'm currently dating someone else who I get along with a lot better but...I'm sleeping with this first guy because I'm afraid to lose him (!)  It's keeping me from being available in many ways to the current person I'm dating, and I know that isn't fair. I'm still tied to this other person because he showed me kindness, and treated me very well, and every time, I tell myself that I'm going to let go so we can get on with our lives, I get frightened, and stay involved half-heartedly. How do I keep my fear of losing from controlling me in doing things that end up making me feel bad about myself, and keeping me from the things I know will be good for me?

    The good news is that you are aware of the dynamics behind this situation, and you have a sincere interest in shifting them in favor of greater integrity and inner peace. That intention is empowering you to get the results you seek.

     Nothing short of complete honesty will do here. Honesty with both of the men you are involved with, and most of all honesty with yourself. This doesn’t feel good to you on an inner level because you are doing things that don’t match your true choices. You need to be very clear about your true choices and trust that life will support you as you honor them.

     Many people let fear of losing motivate their relationship choices. The sad irony is that fear of losing causes loss. When you live out of sync with your heart, you lose more than if a relationship went away.

     Shift your focus from what you might lose to what you might gain. A less-than-desired relationship will give way to the space for a fully desired one. Do you realize that you can have it all, and you don’t have to sell out or settle for less than what you want?  This experience is less about the men involved ― they will be fine ― and more about you tapping into the part of you that yearns to live from wholeness.

Former Boyfriend still Calls

I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago. I wanted to talk with him seriously before breaking up even if the result was the same. But he refused it because he already got a relationship with someone new. It was unexpected and I couldn't do anything more. I have been trying to forget him since then, I spend my time to read some books, to see some friends, to learn English, etc. However, I still feel bad because he sent me some emails often and asked how I felt now. I couldn't understand his behavior. He refused me and now he wants to know how I am. I responded that it was difficult for me to have friendship with him, he should realize he now had everything and should concentrate on it. I thought I felt alright after that, but I still feel upset. What should I do for myself now? Thank you very much for reading and very sorry about my poor writing in English.

    If you really broke up with him and you are clear that you are complete, then let him know that you care about him, but you need some time without communications. Not because you don’t like him, but because you feel this will help both of you get on with your lives. If he has a new girlfriend, he would do well to channel his intimate thoughts and feelings in her direction, not you. Why does he want to know how you are?  Is he still interested in a relationship with you?  Ask him for his truth and tell him yours. This will be very kind for both of you. I know that for many Japanese people it is difficult to speak about feelings, but here is a good chance for you to be honest in a way that will help both him and you.

    When you are ready, write or speak an affirmation out loud (to yourself) stating that you are now complete with this relationship, you release it with love, and you are open to the next happy step in your life.

How Can I Break a Pattern with  Unavailable Men?

It has recently dawned on me that after looking at my patterns with men that I tend to get involved with/drawn to men that are still emotionally attached to their former significant others; putting me in a “triangle” of sorts. I have been picking this apart to figure out what it means, other than, I am a c-phobe or have fear of intimacy. I just want to stop repeating my patterns. What are your thoughts?  “He's just not that into me or can I do something about it?”

    Part of you really wants a connection, and part of you fears it. Until now, the part that fears it has been dominant, but that is shifting. That’s why you asked your sincere question motivated by sincere desire.

      Ask yourself what reward you perceive in connecting with men who are not available. Then ask yourself what reward you envision with a man with whom you might create a deep and lasting connection. Be really honest with yourself. Say to the universe, “Show me the truth about this, whatever it is.”  The truth you receive will be healing and empowering, and you will know it from inside out.

      When you meet someone who is not available, step no further in that direction. Why go there if you don’t want to end up there?  Why keep paying to watch the same movie with an ending you don’t like? Put “available” on your “required” list and don’t compromise. When you meet someone who is available, lean into it gently. Don’t hold back and don’t force yourself. Let it unfold as you feel safe.

      People who are available find people who are available. As you trust your desire for connection more than your fear of it, it will show up.

Can I Have It All? 

I fantasize a lot about men. I meet someone and then I make up all these fantasies and before I know it I'm totally attached to them, well, actually the fantasy. I am not sure how to stop. I believe that I deserve a wonderful relationship but I only seem to have them in my mind. I believe I'm beautiful but feel that others don't recognize what I have to give. I feel like I need to demonstrate who I am so that men can see how beautiful I am, inside and out. But this just gets me compliments and praises, not a companion. The good news is that I recently said “no” to being the other woman. I was in the past but I know that I deserve better. But I can't help but fear that a healthy relationship isn't in the cards for me. My friend says that I can't have it all, maybe she is right.

Many people create relationships not with people, but with their fantasies of them. Then when they discover that the other person is not their fantasy they feel disappointed and leave. If you enter a relationship with a real person, your chances of success are far better. You also need to let yourself be a real person. You are beautiful, but if you don’t know it, it’s hard to create a relationship with someone who appreciates you. Any beauty or worth that you have to prove, is not it. Your true value speaks for itself, and needs no argument or demonstration. You did well by refusing to be the other woman. You should be the woman, or not at all. Your friend tells you that you can’t have it all because she doesn’t believe she can have it all, so her advice springs from her own beliefs and experience.  You can both have it all if you let yourself. Cards do not determine your relationships. Your choices do. You can have as much as you think you can. Settle for more.

How to Deal with a Critical Boss?

I started a new job, which seemed like a blessing, but I feel miserable there. I like the work itself and I enjoy my beautiful environment, but my boss's attitude towards me bothers me a great deal. I feel demeaned and put down by the things she says and does and her attitude towards me. I have broached a couple instances of this with her, and her response was to tell me I am wrong about the way I feel. I feel demoralized and I've started to feel helpless and angry a lot. Normally I enjoy having compassion for people and it bothers me that I have stopped wanting to do anything but hate her. I am normally pretty happy and since I started there I have felt miserable (even outside of work). I don't see any way to resolve this other than leaving the position. She seems to truly believe she is right to treat me the way she does. I know I am not powerless, but that is how I feel. Any wise words for me?

    You have attracted your perfect teacher!  There are two directions you can take with this:

     1. Use your boss like a tennis partner who is serves you fast, hard serves so you can build your skills. In this case hard serves equal judgment and criticism; your skills equal peace, self-confidence, and wholeness. This woman is obviously in pain herself; she suffers under major self-criticism; and she is not attuned to her own feelings.  All this is a call for love. If you can reframe your interaction with her as such, you will likely see a huge shift. If you can hold your ground until you feel good no matter what she is doing, you will graduate. Either she will move on or something will shift or you will enjoy your work significantly more.    

    2. You can use this situation as an exercise in self-worth. If you accept abuse, you must be abusing yourself. Drop self-criticism, love and accept yourself just as you are, and you will no longer be a vibrational match to her. Either she will stop or leave, or you will be guided to leave and you will do so from a place of wholeness, not escape.

    You are right ― you are not powerless. This entire situation has arisen to remind you of the power you already own and the good you deserve.

Difficulty Letting Go

 I am 21 year old female. I discovered your books three years ago, and learned so much. Thank you so much for being such an inspiration!  I have a big problem letting go of people. I get so attached and feel like I'll be miserable without them. (It happened to me during my first 3 year relationship, and in the current 1.5 year one.) I feel as though I need to be single and learn who I am, yet I have the hardest time letting go of my b/f. I feel like I'll never find anyone like him. (I felt the same last time too, and probably would not go through it if he wouldn't get tired of me being unsure and break up with me.) I feel really torn. Can't sleep, can't study. I know that I need to stop being scared of unknown, learn to trust myself but can't do it. 

    Yes you can. These situations have come up precisely to help you discover that you are whole and don’t need to depend on others to make you happy. Your happiness comes from inside you, and boyfriends or other friends are icing on the cake.

    Fear tell you that you are weak, undeserving, and undesirable. Love tells you that you are wondrous and deserve your heart’s desires. Which tune would you rather dance to? 

    What is it you believe these people can give you that you can’t give yourself, or that life cannot deliver through other means?  Keep looking at your fears until you realize that they are without substance and you are bigger than them. You are onto the fact that you need to trust yourself, and you will.

    There are many good guys out there, and you can find and enjoy one who matches you. Relax and know that ease, trust, and joy are more powerful tools to create good relationships than fear and control. Don’t affirm that you are limited, but open to who you really are and what you would like to do. The more you step into your power to have what you want, the easier it will be to attract it.

Can I Trust Him?

I'm in love with a man who spends more time with a female “friend” than me and our children. The worst part is, they had a relationship together before we did. I don't like it, nor trust them. When I ask him to please stop seeing her, he replies “why can't you be her friend?” The fact is he cheated on me before with someone else. Am I wrong for not trusting him? Should I push my feelings aside and be a friend? I don't want to lose him, but I feel torn.

    You need to be very direct with him and ask him what is the nature of his relationship with her. Tell him that you are in love with him and deeply desire a monogamous relationship with him. Ask him if he has feelings for her and if he is sexually intimate with her. Tell him that you need for him to be perfectly honest with you, and that it would hurt you and your relationship with him if he is, or intends to carry on another relationship simultaneously with yours. Observe his reactions and responses to your question even more than the words he offers you. His spending so much time with her may be your answer. If “our children” means you have children with this man, why are you no longer together? Are you clinging to a fantasy about him?

     Even more important, make up your mind that you want and deserve a monogamous relationship with someone who is also there for you. Tell yourself and God, “If I can have this with this man, then let him and me know it. If not, show me another direction that will lead me to someone I can be with in the way I desire and choose.”

     Then release this situation and watch for signs. You will be guided. Never let fear of losing be a motivation in relationship. You cannot lose what you do not have. Recognize your worth to have all that you want without selling yourself short.

Can I Create Better Relationships?

Relationships which I thought would be very close my entire life, especially with certain family members, are instead distant, and new growth in many areas is strained.  I relate to Richard Bach's character Jonathan Livingston Seagull on his trek of leaving behind the old seagull clan, gaining mastery on his own, then joining with a new flock. However, I feel adrift, not able (or courageous) enough to step into a physical reality with the 'new seagulls,' yet knowing there is no returning, physically, emotionally or spiritually to the old. Although I love my life, and many blessings have occurred even as a result of the setbacks, I don't know how to confidently advance forward trusting old violent 'being pulled back' patterns won't reassert themselves. 

Richard Bach also noted, “Your true family is not one of blood, but spirit.”  You are in between trapeze bars – you have let go of the old, but the new has not yet arrived. This is a time for faith and holding firmly to your vision of where you would like to go. Just because you do not see manifestations of your chosen relationships does not mean they are not on the way. When you plant a seed in the soil, it takes a while before it sprouts. Focus as much attention as you can on the kind of relationships you would like to create, and celebrate any signs and interactions that match that. You are not subject to past conditions. Your thoughts are powerful, so keep them pointed toward your desired goal. 

 How to Get Out of Relationship Fog?

 I am a 51 yr. old Exercise Specialist. I  have been through a divorce after 20 years of marriage. Two years after my divorce I remarried a man I only knew for 4 months.  6 weeks later he committed suicide. 2 years later I got involved with a man with 5 children and said he was getting his divorce...Now over a year later he lives with me, unemployed disbarred attorney, we argue all the time because of financial burden. I have set boundaries that until the divorce, his children should not be here. There is something about him that I love but ambivalent about feeling anything towards a future and I don't want to hurt my family again. I am very good looking, smart, funny and people adore me. My objectivity about my own life is totally in a fog. I would appreciate any response. I feel fearful inside that I will be alone; because my parents are eventually not going to be here and they are the only anchors I have. I think I need help! DUH! 

Your issues revolve around deservingness, sourcing your own good, and boundary setting. If you can truly grasp that you deserve a relationship with a healthy, fully functioning person, you can manifest that. You need to adore yourself as much as other people do. Your answer re: your current relationship has to start inside you. Do the inner work and the outer will become clear to you. Your parents are not your only anchors. God is. That God lives inside you and shows up through a myriad of forms. Use your situation not as a drag, but as a wake-up call for you to exercise your spirit. Apply what you know about physical exercise to spirit exercise, and you are on the road to where you want to go.

Does Forgiveness Mean that I have to Put up with Abusive Behaviors?

 With all the work I've done and all the reading, I still find it hard to know how to forgive without re-entering an abusive relationship. My children’s father is an alcoholic and has no boundaries or respect for who I am. We have very limited contact but it doesn't seem very loving to him as their father or as my partner of 20 years.  Is it truly OK to only love someone in your heart and have no physical contact or communication? Is this really the best way to facilitate peace and forgiveness?

    Forgiveness does not mean that you condone abusive behaviors. It means you love yourself and the other person enough to relate to them in a way that empowers you both. Yes, you can love someone without engaging with them physically. Remember that you are both spiritual beings, and true love does not take a particular form.

    At the same time, continue to practice sending love to your ex- in your prayer and meditation. See him as he truly is -  whole, strong, clear and loving. Keep relating to his magnificent spiritual self, and you will find peace in your heart. Then he may even have a shift such that you can relate to him in your daily life if you choose. But then it will be on a new plane that works for both of you.

 How Do I Move On After my Lover Left?

I had the good fortune to attend one of your one day seminars at a Science of Mind gathering in Los Angeles almost 3 years ago. I was with a woman who I eventually fell in love with, who had graduated your mastery class. In the following 3 years we lived with each other on and off and had a wonderful loving and caring relationship. Her spirituality, meditative calmness, and ability to make the whole world smile, along with her ability to hold her power and accept only the things in life that serve her, has changed my life forever. I have learned more in 3 years than I have in my 57 years of being alive. We are no longer together, and I am deeply concerned with my emotional well being. I guess when you’re 25 years old, finding a man with potential is good, but when your 53 years old the man you’re with is to have already achieved his potential. Does the heart still play a role. She will always be in my heart, but how the hell do I move on?

By realizing that your good is not limited to her. You have an infinite resource of love that could show up in many possible ways through many potential partners. Regard your experience with your lover as a gift that has brought you to where you are now, from which you will continue to grow and expand. All relationships come “for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”  She can stay in your heart as a blessing, while you continue to open to even greater blessings. It’s all good, and you have much love ahead of you.

 Why do I Keep Attracting Unavailable Partners?

I'm a lesbian and I really need to know why I seem to be attracted to women who are straight and who happen to be married.  A lot of these women will flirt back at me and it just confuses me even more.  I am very insecure and I often feel rejected.  If a girl tells me she's not interested in me that way, I become so depressed and feel so rejected.  Why do I let myself get this way?  I feel like I will never meet anyone, and the girls who may like me, I'm not attracted to them at all.  I can't go on like this.  Please help!

    Your issue is more about intimacy than rejection. People who attract unavailable people are usually unavailable themselves. Too much love seems scary, so you create situations that do not come to fruition. Your depression is not because you can’t find someone to love; it is because you are not letting yourself give the love that would satisfy you.  

    Your answer is a healthy dose of self-love. Recognize the beauty and power the lives within you, riches that you do not need anyone else to affirm or approve. As you fall in love with yourself and discover your wholeness, you will attract people who match you at that level.

    You might do well to step back from relationships for a bit and get in touch with your own heart and spirit. Let the fire of purpose burn within you. The more you know and trust who you are, the less rejection will occur or bother you. The time will come when you meet someone who matches your wholeness, and relationship will take on a whole new meaning and feeling. You are right – you shouldn’t go on like this; it’s time to find fullness where emptiness now appears.

    Read Terry Cole-Whittaker’s book What You Think of Me is None of my Business.

Did I Make a Mistake Marrying?

I am newly married and I fear my husband does not really love me. During our engagement, my mother was dying (exposing his inability to cope and support). Now I’m with someone who is not very nice to me and does not see me as a special person (I have only had great relationships in the past and understand what it is to feel loved and supported). We have only been married four months & I am very Catholic and believe we should truly try to love and trust one another completely and try to work through this. There are also major transitions (we have moved, begun new jobs and obviously the death of a loved one). I do have hope for our marriage and want to stay positive. However, this seems nearly impossible when someone whom you count on and want to believe in is not loving towards you - not to mention you live in a small apartment with them. I fear that I am wasting my love on someone and am scared.

    Your experience is not unusual. Lots of people, after they get married, go, “Oh my God! What have I done?!”  This does not necessarily mean you have made a mistake or you should scramble out the door. As you suggest, there is hope and potential.  In a way, this is where the real value of marriage comes in ― to see where love truly lives and how you can bring it forth.

     Indeed the stresses you have been through can put pressure on both of you and bring out the unattractive aspects of both partners. You would be wise to breathe, relax, and give you and your husband a chance to get your feet on the ground and find out who you are together without the stressed.

     Even more deeply, look at your self-love more than the love you are missing from him. Do you find value, beauty, and worth in yourself, regardless of what he says or does?  I know people who have used a situation like you describe to practice loving and nurturing themselves. You may be amazed at what shifts when you fill yourself from inside out, rather than looking to him to fulfill you.

     Have you spoken to your husband about your feelings and fears?  What might be going on inside of him?  Does he have his own fears or issues?

     I would use this situation to practice inner strength, truth, and the richest loving you can find. Then reevaluate and see where you are guided.

Flirtation Became too Intense

 I thought I was an emotionally secure person; I am married. I met a married man at work who showed a large amount of interest in me. I enjoyed flirting with him. He went from one week to the next telling me I was the greatest person ever.  But he thought I was too intense. He most recently told me to leave him alone - he wants me to respect his wishes. What did I do to cause his reactions to me? Why do I care, and why do I hurt?

    You are looking for love that you are missing at home. If you are married, why are you flirting with this man?  I ask this not in judgment, but to stimulate you to look more deeply into yourself and your marriage.  I suggest that you revisit your relationship with your husband and speak more truth to each other about where you are in your relationship. My guess is that you are both harboring unspoken thoughts and feelings. When you deepen your communication with your husband, you deepen your intimacy, and intimacy brings you reward that will not cause you to look elsewhere. 

    If you were flattered by this man’s interest, it is a sign that you are seeking appreciation and validation. When you find that within yourself for yourself, you will not need someone else to give it to you.  Mentally thank the man for telling you to leave him alone. He did you a great service by not getting involved with you. He stimulated you to ask questions that, honestly answered, will lead you to far greater riches than flirtation can offer.

Is He Just not into Me, or Can I do Something?

I have known a man for nearly 3 years via a 12-step program. When I first met him, he was legally separated and new to recovery. It seemed to be apparent that he was interested in me. I did not want to even consider pursuing him given his situation. The group I attended started to dwindle. I did not want him to be the reason why I was going. So I left. That was a 1 1/2 ago. By “coincidence” a long time male friend of mine had showed up at that group “out of the blue” and befriended this man. I saw this man over the summer several times at barbecues and more recently, at a holiday party. I learned he is now divorced. He suggested we meet up with another friend of ours for dinner. I put it all together and had a great time. That was 2 weeks ago He has not called. Had he not befriended my long time male friend to begin with, I never would have seen him again. I guess I am asking if this is a case of “he's just not that into you” or do the powers that be have something else in store?

How about getting involved in “the powers that be” and reach and ask him if he wants to get together?  You will receive more feedback and know better where you stand and what your purpose may be with him.

Transition from Long Marriage to Part-time Relationship?

I am very involved with a man who has the ability and gift to really understand male-female relationships better than anybody I have ever met.  However, I am recently single and was so used to being a wife for the last 21 years, I have do not know  how to pace myself with the relationship.  I am not used to being part-time at this. I am the mother of four and work full time, and believe it or not find a lot of extra time ( I am really good at time management) to get together with him. I have no desire to see my girlfriends, only my children and him.  How do you train yourself to feel ok about seeing somebody part time and not get nervous when you’re not with that person..... I am trying.... helping.....I seem to overwhelm him a lot even though he enjoys my company.

    This is a good lesson in relaxing and trusting. It’s only natural that after 21 years of marriage it would be a big adjustment for you to get into part-time dating. But there are opportunities for you here that will take you beyond what you did and learned in your marriage.

    Remember that all of nature grows in stages. Seeds do not turn into trees overnight and, as a mother, you surely know that every stage of development has its right timing. Enjoy your relationship for what it is, right where it stands. Do you really want to plunge into a marriage again right now?  Savor your moments with him, and each one will lead to the next.

Friendship before Sex?

I am a 40-year-old woman and have never been married.  I am still wondering whether I will.  Emotionally, right in this moment, I would like to be married, but only if the friendship rather than sexual intimacy is the foundation of the relationship. The 'normal 'in our culture seems to be a surface game to get to physical intimacy quick, especially on the side of the guy.  What I envision is a relationship where my best friend later becomes the intimate partner. Maybe that sounds old-fashioned, but I believe some old-fashioned ideas are based on accurate models for how the heart and soul are best developed (If not for everyone, at least for me.)  Dolphins I have heard meet and pair up for life.  They keep it simple and real and spend the rest of the time not concerned about it. (They are probably too busy having fun.) If it's good enough for dolphins, it’s good enough for me. What is a healthy guy's view on the topic?

I think you are right on. You have a solid value system which will surely serve and support a good relationship. Many people fall into romance and/or bed very quickly before they know who they are partnering with, then try to develop a friendship/relationship, which is difficult. My relationship with my partner Dee proceeded just as you describe – we got to know each other as friends before becoming intimate. If you do this, you stand a far better chance for a healthy and rewarding relationship. I suggest you stay true to your values, and the Law of Attraction will help you meet someone who matches your vision and intentions.

Did I End my Relationship too Quickly?

I decided to end my relationship with my boyfriend due to lack of communication. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him for longer than a couple of minutes for 2 weeks. I waited to see if he would phone but he never did ― he’s always busy. The last conversation I had was when I decided to phone him to ask what he was going to say. Before I could even bring it up, he apologized for not phoning me and said that his phone was cut off, which is true. He was helping his cousin with the wedding.  I just asked if he was busy everyday and he said no, he would phone me as soon as he left the  wedding. He did phone later on but I sleeping. I expected to hear from him the next night but nothing. I sent him a text message basically ending it. Now I think I should have given it a chance. What do I do?  I don’t want to phone him., I don’t want to get hurt and its not the first time I decided to call it quits.

You have given your power away to your boyfriend, as you let his actions determine your happiness. He calls and you are happy. He doesn’t call, and you are sad. See if you can find happiness and wholeness inside yourself no matter what he does. Communicate your feelings to him, be honest, and ask him about his feelings and his truth. Ask him if he really want to be with you, and listen to his answer with your inner self. If you have a habit of quitting relationships quickly, you may do well to try relaxing and stretching to see if there is more here than you realize. The more you try to protect yourself from being hurt, the more vulnerable you become. Find the place inside you that is whole and secure, and no man will be able to take that away.  

Does my Boyfriend Want Me?

I am in an 8-month relationship. I question the sincerity of my relationship - he has done some things to make me not trust him. I recently found an email he wrote telling one of his female friends that he never really loved me and he wants to be with her. I confronted him on the email  and he said he was upset with me on that day and has since realized that I am the one for him and he wants very much to be with me. He mentioned that we spend too much time together - 2-3 days a week, most cases 2 days a week. This is his 1st relationship in 7 years.  Old girlfriend broke his heart!  I feel like I have forgiven him on too many occasions and now he takes me for granted.  I feel like I need to take my power back, which I have obviously given to him. Should I let him do all the planning and making all of the effort to see me? This way I avoid looking 'desperate' and 'needy' and he will gain his respect back for me as the strong independent woman he fell in love with.

Feeling Stuck in Relationship

I am on a self-search for quite sometime. I very much liked your article about an affair, as I could relate to what you say, especially that we shouldn't blame a thrid party, but face a problem in a primary relationship. I had an affair with all the things that followed after that: devastated husband, separation, but...not a guilty feeling from my side.  After three years of separation and individual counseling we are back together. And there is still a feeling of me being stuck. I am not emotionally satisfied with my husband, yet can't find the strength to leave him for another person. I feel like I can't enter another relationship without first getting happy myself.

    I salute you for recognizing that you need to come to terms with yourself before you can create a better relationship. If you keep searching for someone to satisfy you emotionally, you will just keep searching. True emotional satisfaction must proceed from within. 

    Intimacy and inner reward are results of what you are giving more than what you are getting. I suggest you begin to focus on the rewards you do find with your husband. What do you love about him and being together? Be as honest as you can about the feelings moving in your heart, not just about him, but about you and your entire life. Practice deeper and richer intimacy with your husband, and see where that leads you. As you are beginning to realize, he cannot keep you stuck; only you can keep yourself stuck by denying your inner being its expression.

    If you can begin to nurture and fill yourself from inside out, you will cease to feel stuck and see more clearly who you are, who your husband is, and what your relationship with him is. It is not someone else you are seeking, either in your husband or another. It is yourself you are seeking. When you discover your own wholeness, beauty, and magnificence, all of your relationships will fall into place and you will have everything you want in relationship.  

How Could I Make Such a Foolish Mistake?

Your quotation today is quite apt.  “When you get the message, hang up the phone.”  Today, I got the message.  It turns out that a relationship I had was not at all what I thought, and certainly not what I hoped for.  But I did my very best.  I put a great deal into it.  I know that now I need to move on, but I am bewildered that I could have been so wrong when I was working so hard at being aware, taking care, doing the right thing.  I was just flat out wrong about the situation.  Now, I feel so foolish.  How can I move beyond this, move on?  How can I be okay with myself for getting myself in the situation in the first place?  I'm feeling bewildered and I could use some guidance. 

Relationship is a journey more than a destination. The goal of finding a mate is often the impetus to discover yourself and your choices in ways that you would never have achieved if you had not set out on the journey. So don’t waste a moment berating yourself for making a wrong move. Wrong moves help you learn what the right ones are, and make wiser choices next time. In this way all choices are wise, since they all lead to learning what you want and ultimately creating it.  You are not foolish, but courageous for diving in, experimenting, and being willing to grow through your efforts. And your partner signed up to help you with the important lesson.

Where does Unaccepted Love go?

If God is love and you send love to someone who refuses it, where does it fall?

It blesses you as the giver. You experience whatever you give, as you give it, so no matter what the intended recipient does, all the love you give is a gift to yourself.

What if my Partner doesn't Share my Spiritual Path?

You have been an inspiration to me for such a long, long time, always able to get through my “stuff” and bring me back to a place of faith and trusting love. I have lived with my partner now for 14 years and STILL have huge frustration & disappointment that we do not share a similar spiritual path. As A Course in Miracles student for years, I am always trying to discern “fear” from “love” so when I hear my “he's not enough, I need to find a spiritual man” message, I get confused. He is a kind and gentle man & I don't want to leave a good relationship, but the question, “are you in love with him? is so tangled up with my expectation of what a spiritual relationship is. I can't tell anymore if I am fooling myself and am supposed to leave & don't have the courage or if my FEAR and my not-enough-ness is trying to sabotage me. Migraines and depression have set in the past 2 years. I know this is a lot to ask but could you share some light.

    Of course we would all like our partner to be on precisely the same wave length as us. Sometimes that happens and sometimes it doesn’t ― and it is possible to have a great relationship in either case. (Sometimes people get together with a certain partner because their chosen path matches theirs, and they fight like hell!) So there is no particular outer form that always works. It’s more about what happens inside one’s heart.

    You describe your partner as a kind and gentle man, which says a lot about him and your appreciation for him. Some women would give all they have to be with a kind and gentle man. So you have that going for you. Kindness and gentleness are important spiritual qualities, even if he does not discuss ACIM with you. Some ACIM students are not kind and gentle. So it’s more about how he lives than the form his expression takes.

    I know other people in similar positions who fulfill their need for spiritual fellowship by participating in study or support groups, churches, retreats, etc. So they take responsibility to feed themselves what they may not be finding at home. This does not mean that you have a bad relationship or that you have to leave; it just means that no one person can fulfill every need of a partner. Not a romantic idea, but a powerfully practical one to acknowledge.

    I think your migraines and depression are less about your partner and your relationship, and more about your worrying about if you are in your right place with your right partner. And since worry is rooted in fear, you hit the nail on the head. So your work is not about the relationship, but about facing and growing beyond the fear that bothers you.

    How do you feel when you think about leaving?  Empowered?  Anxious?  Would you miss your partner?  Try all the options on for size and notice how each one feels. One will resonate in the place inside you that feels more peaceful than the others, and that is the one to follow.

    Also remember that relationship is a journey, not a destination. Whether you stay with your partner for one more day or a lifetime, there are gifts for you in every moment. When you find those gifts, your next step, and every next step, will be clear to you.            

Should I Tell Him About my Former Marriage?

I finally met my man. Someone I had been waiting for. When I read your book, Handle with Prayer, I started visualizing someone like him with a great faith and conviction, and there he appeared into my life. Now I can’t stop thanking every day for having met him. Now, the question is, I only told him about the marriage with my son’s father, but the other marriage was not good at all and I just didn’t mention it. Now that we have been together for more than a year and we just had a beautiful baby, I feel really bad that I haven’t told him and I don’t want to fear anything anymore again. So I just try to forget about the subject, but then every time we run into anybody that knows me for a long time, I am afraid someone will bring it up. I don’t know what I will do. I consider myself brave but why is it that I fear to bring out the subject?  I know I have to do it but ......help........

    Your fear around the subject is more of an issue than the act of communicating to your partner. Your choice not to tell him was your way of trying to leave a painful issue from your past behind you. Don’t blame yourself for this, but try to have compassion for yourself. Many people have had bad relationships or marriages that they wish they could just forget about. While it is possible for you to just let this go, you still worry that someone else will bring it up, so you may do better to just get it out of the dark and shine some light on it. If you have a good relationship with your partner, as you describe, your mutual love will be strong enough to sustain him knowing about your other marriage. It can even bring you closer if you explain why you wanted to forget about it and not tell him, and that you want to have no secrets between you.  If you forgive yourself for both your bad marriage and not telling your partner, you will find peace. If you choose to speak to him from a platform of desire to connect more deeply with him, you are likely to get excellent results and your relationship will be even better.

     The same power of prayer that drew this good man to you will sustain your relationship with him, and it will grow ever stronger.

How to Get Beyond my Affair? 

I'm a single 52-year-old man who had a 10-year love affair with a married co-worker; it's been over for a year and she ended it. I want to move on now and feel I deserve a normal relationship, but when I approach women I don't feel confident. I start conversations and feel self-conscious; sometimes uninteresting and unattractive. Nevertheless, I suck it up and still attempt to meet women at the library, the farmers' market, or strolling downtown. So far, dozens of strikeouts. While I'm not defeated yet, I'm starting to feel unworthy and wonder, “What's wrong with me?” Could it be that I'm not really over the 10-year relationship and that I'm putting out an “unavailable” or “wounded” vibe? If so, how do I stop that? Or am I perhaps paying some “karmic debt” for the affair? Even if they don't pan out, what could be getting in the way of simply having a few dates? (Except for this, I have an uplifting, happy life.)

    You are very self-aware, honest, and willing to learn where you are getting stuck. This level of sincerity and responsibility will be a strong asset in your upward movement.

    My sense is that you are punishing yourself for the affair and punishing the woman for leaving. “Treasured wounds.”  God is not punishing you, and the karmic debt you mention is self-induced. You are not over the relationship, and consequently blocking yourself from moving ahead. You need to release the relationship by forgiving yourself and your former partner, and make a strong commitment to get on with your life in a way that will bring you more reward. It’s time to cut the cord.

    I suggest you create a release ceremony. You can do this by yourself or with a friend or two whom you trust and who support you. Write out a formal statement of release, including everything you have been holding onto that has tied you to your past. Conclude with a statement like, “I am now willing to let this go forever and move on with my life.”  Then burn the paper, or discard some symbol of the relationship, or do some ritual representing your release. Ask your Higher Power to help you finish any remaining pieces.

    Next, formulate your vision of what is next for you. Think about the kind of relationship you want to create now, including the kind of partner you want to join with, who you want to be in the relationship, and the essence and tone of the relationship. Visualize and feel into it until it starts to feel more and more real. Know that you are worthy to have all you want in relationship.  

    Don’t try to meet anyone or make any relationships happen for a while. Establish yourself in the new energy, and when you do, things will change naturally and the right person and situations will show up with no struggle on your part. All the pieces of your story fit perfectly into your evolution.  

Why Do Men not Stay?

I have been repeating the same relationship mistake for the last 15 years. I become involved with men who pursue me with intensity, enthusiasm, and what I feel is sincerity. I resolve to go slow and feel like I do. However, once I feel safe to reciprocate the feelings, they do a 180 and I hear them say that they still “love” me and like me, but are not “in love” with me. The latest example of this has left me sad and mad at myself for falling for another “commitment phobic.” I agree that “rejection is protection,” but I wonder why I continue to make the same mistake. How do I remain open without becoming a victim? I wonder why men want me till they know me? Strangely, they still want to be friends, and there are never any real glaring issues to the breakup....a no hard feelings approach. I'm considered “nice..and sweet” and my friends wonder why it is that I'm alone. Me too."

    You must be very powerful to keep creating the same situation over and over again. Now it’s time to use that creative power to draw unto you what you want.

    Beliefs are very powerful, especially those attached to strong feelings. You have a cycle going:  Something happens (like a rejection) and you believe it might happen again. Then it does, and it seems even more real. This cycle goes on until you get darn tired of it and you become more motivated to shift it than to maintain it. You are reaching that point.

    What would someone have to believe to keep meeting men who don’t follow through?  That men are commitment phobes? That you can go just so far in a relationship before it collapses?  How about: If a man gets to know me they, he won’t like me.

    My sense is that this last belief is at the core of some of your patterns. If men leave because they don’t like the person they get to know, then they don’t really know you. If you think you are the one who men won’t like, you don’t know you.

     This is all an amazing adventure in deepening your self-knowledge and your self-worth. Forget about men and relationships for a while and practice falling in love with yourself. Keep looking for and finding aspects of you that are attractive and unique, until you realize that a man would have to be crazy not to want you. When you get to that point, you will meet someone who values you for who you are ― and stays.

Am I too Shy?

I’d like to be more outgoing. It has aggravated me that people often tell me I'm (sometimes too) quiet and shy. Whilst most of the time I don't feel shy, I do like to spend a lot of time alone, withdraw when I feel like I've been around people too much (it seems to drain my energy and I become emotional if I can't get space to myself). It feels 'me' to be a bit of a loner, yet it also causes me pain now and then, as I tend to get overlooked or ignored when I don't want to be. I feel so different to other people. As a reaction against people seeing me as shy, I have been singing in a band, dancing and acting over the last year. Still, people seem awkward around me, choosing to interview other band members/actors over me.

    What you think is wrong with you may be what’s right with you. The “shyness” you describe is an aspect of a sensitive soul. You feel very deeply and tend to take on the energies of people around you. If those energies are painful, you tend to internalize them and call it your problem. You are simply absorbing the pain and problems of others around you.

    Two practices will help you here:  (1) Learn to shield yourself in situations that seem overwhelming. There are many books and seminars that teach this (See Barbara Brennan’s Hands of Light). Before going into an intense situation, or if you find yourself in one, imagine a buffer of white or golden light around you. Edify your aura so you do not take on energies that could be overwhelming. Practice will make this real to you.

    (2) When you start to feel overwhelmed, step back and renew. Get alone and meditate, bathe, pray, walk in nature, or whatever you like to do to fill yourself. Don’t delay. Do this as soon as you start to feel tired.

    If you truly want to get out there more, do things you sincerely enjoy, rather than forcing yourself. Proceed from inspiration (joy from inside out) and you will match yourselves with people and situations that express your true self.

Rejection is Protection

I just reconnected with this guy that I was dating a few months ago.  I just found out that he will never be able to marry me due to his parents, because I'm not the same religion as him.  What makes it so hard is that if it was up to him, he would want to date me and see where things go.  He also said he was glad I ended it the last time because one of us would have eventually been really hurt.  He said his parents are very controlling and in his words, You just don't understand how it is. It is very sad to think that I cannot be with someone who makes me happy and content due to his parents’ beliefs. It just seems unfair. Any advice you have for me on how to handle this in spirit and heart would be greatly appreciated.  

“Rejection is protection.”  If this fellow is allowing his parents’ desires to rule his decisions, he does not have a sense of empowerment over his life. Or he is using his parents as an excuse to develop a relationship with you. Or he may care about you and want to be with you, but is not ready. In any case, you deserve to be with someone who is open and available to be with you by his own choice. See this fellow’s good qualities and those of your relationship with him as a representation of the kind of person and energy you desire, and a sign that you are close to having it. Then let him go and open yourself to someone with your desired traits, who can and is willing to be with you.

Haunted by Connection with Former Lover

 For over a decade, a “nudging” connection to a wonderful past partner persists with gentle tenacity. I've done releasing ceremonies, cut the cord energetically, thrown out material connections to him affirming my readiness to move on/let go. I’ve spent time just “being” with/honoring it, opening myself to receive if it's in my highest good. I’ve been married, divorced, and am now in a loving relationship for 3 years. The connection remains! He comes to me in dreams, more like “updates!"  It’s like we have “soul meetings” while I’m asleep! They reveal that he has the same “sense.” Am I not honoring my divine intuition? There’s not much to do when he’s married, I’m engaged and we aren’t in contact! Or is nostalgia interfering with my present? It’s hard to stay fully present when the same pulsing vibe that was there before, during, and after a volatile first marriage is STILL HERE through a totally different, completely positive relationship now! I fully trust God. It's not negative, just confusing!

There are a few possibilities here:

(1) You are using this past relationship to avoid showing up fully in your current one. Many people escape into romantic fantasies of lost love as a way of not dealing with the reality of their present one. If your relationship with your former lover was so great, why did you not stay together? You say that your relationship was volatile; why would you want to go back to that?

I once had a similar fantasy about a previous partner, and when we met again “by chance” I remembered why we were not together. That meeting enabled both of us to have a greater sense of completion. You may have as much potential for great love with your current partner as you describe with your past one, but you just have to show up and allow it. Maybe you can have great love without great war.

(2) There is something more you need to say or do with your former partner. Not necessarily rekindle your relationship, but perhaps communicate with the intention of completing any energies or issues that contribute to the cord that you believe binds you. You say that you are not in contact with him. Why not? Is there a practical reason for this, or does that help you keep your fantasy-at-a-distance alive?  Is he willing to speak with you? Reality stands the test of communication.

(3) You may indeed be soulmates of sorts, but your path is not to play that out on your path as it is. Many people have heart/ spiritual connections to people who are not their mates, and meet in dreams or other psychic connections

All that being said, my sense is that you need to do whatever it takes to really let this go. The drama of your lost love is taking a bite out of your current relationship. Completing your past will enhance your present. You deserve more, and so does your partner.  Either handle your issues with your former lover, or really cut the cord. It’s all up to you. You may be surprised at the love and beauty that is available to you right where you stand.

How Do I Stay Present and Envision my Dream?

I am divorced 10 years and was confident I was ready for healthy, loving relationship again. REALITY - I just ended a two year relationship with a man that I thought was the one.  Although he was dealing with a depression and mood disorder that made things difficult, it was not all his fault.  In our time together, I discovered MUCH about myself that I knew but was not fully aware of how it was limiting me.  Old fears & hurts; attitudes I held; my ego was ruling my life.  (the ego factor was a shocking revelation for me). I am working to restore my confidence & because I am now very aware of how I was letting ego shackle me to the past AND making me anxious about the future, I am working very hard at being present minded.  Yet at the same time I believe in the power of envisioning my desired future and I daily embodying my dream. How do I balance staying present AND envision my dream?  Sometimes the envisioning creates impatience and anxiety in me.

You are thinking too hard about this. Let yourself lighten up and enjoy relationship as a gift and a blessing, not something you have to analyze and overcome. You are very self-aware and honest, which is a powerful trait and gift to yourself and a partner. At the same time play, delight, and flow will balance what you have to offer and receive. Staying present is not contradictory to envisioning your dream. If you believe that staying present means to focus on what is not working, you are not fully present, since the present moment is a venue to greater aliveness. If you feel impatient or anxious when visioning, stay in the vision for just a few moments as long as it feels good. Then let it go and return later for a few moments. Stay as much as you can in the good feelings of your ideal relationship. Be the kind of person you want to be with. It's time to discover all you can have. Enjoy the ride!

I Wish He'd Say "I Love You"

I have been dating this incredible man for 9 months now; I am in love with him, his integrity, down to earth attitude, etc. but there is one thing that keeps me from feeling fully comfortable in the relationship: his lack of emotional openness with me. I am the opposite, I like to tell him how happy I am with him, I show him I care in different ways, sending him cards, expressing it openly. He, on the other hand, is not open at all, although he's shown me he "cares" by introducing me to his entire family and friends, and once in a while an action (i.e. cooking for me) that validates what I think he feels. The problem is that he's never said the words, "I love you", nor has he tried to say it in a different way. Although I want to be patient, I am struggling internally and I am getting to the point I might explode. I don't want to be scared in telling him how I feel. What do you think I should do? I am ready to move on with or without him, because I know I want to be happy.

Don’t be so quick to exit stage left. He may be feeling more for you than you realize, but just not expressing it in words. Let’s face it:  Men are not as verbally communicative of their feelings as women; it’s a rare guy who will gush as much as you do. Pay more attention to the energy between you than his words. Does he feel present with you?  Does he express an interest in being with you?  Is cooking for you and bringing to meet his family and friends a significant expression of caring?  If so, he may be more in the game than you give him credit for. Of course we all like to hear those magic words and receive acknowledgment of love. That acknowledgment may show up in different ways. It’s fine for you to tell him how you feel. Just do it in a gentle supportive way, rather than coming on as demanding. Ask him how he feels and listen carefully to his answer, even if it is in just a few words. Give the guy a chance before considering moving on.  This is a good opportunity for you to practice and trust the power of communication. You will know.  

Selling Out vs. Making the Best

I just read your June newsletter, and in my opinion there seems to be a conflict between the moral or philosophy espoused in each of the two posted stories. I have struggled for years staying in an unsatisfying marriage, partly for the ""kid's sake"" and partly in hoping that things will change for the better. In ""Don't sell out to fit in", the theme seems to be to move on if things aren't working out. Yet in ""Inspiration for Crackpots"" you state ""Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. Am I missing something, or is there a conflict?

    It's not an either/or, but a both. Each angle has its value in appropriate situations or moments. The game is to apply what works best and where.

    Sometimes it is through resolving apparent paradoxes that we grow the most. First there is thesis (your idea of what is, or what you want); then antithesis (resistance, blockage, or challenge); and then (ah....) synthesis, taking all the facts and elements and discovering how they all fit together so you go to a higher level in your life.

    It is indeed important for you to not sell out by resigning yourself to stay stuck in an unhappy situation. Sometimes the answer is logistical or geographic (leaving physically) and more often the answer is attitudinal (reframing or shifting your perspective). 

    One of your key phrases was "hoping things will change for the better."  In your case, hope is not enough. Your active participation is required. You must absolutely "move on if things aren't working out."  Yet moving on may mean telling a deeper truth, praying more, going to counseling, or doing whatever it takes to bring your relationship to a new level. Then you will discover that all of the issues that arose were helping you to awaken, grow, and change your life for the better through facing and handling them.

How to Break Pattern of Affairs

It always works out that I'm attracted to women who are in relationships, and have affairs with me! Why does this happen and how can I change this pattern?

    The Law of Attraction implies that we attract into our lives people who are a vibrational match to us. People who attract unavailable partners, especially continuously, are unavailable themselves, and usually feel more comfortable with a limited level or length of time of intimacy than they would in a deeper, longer relationship.

    The fact that you are aware of this pattern and sincerely seek to change it, is powerful. Congratulations on being ready for a shift.

    Let's put moral judgments aside for the moment and simply consider the practical aspects of having affairs. They may be exciting, romantic, and sexually stimulating, yet they bring forth all kinds of dynamics that keep you at a distance from peace. Usually there is deception involved, frustration if you would like to develop a relationship, and often a fair amount of drama. The person you are having the affair with is usually unhappy in their home relationship, and it is rare they can progress in their spiritual or emotional life until they deal with the unfaced or unhealed issues back home. Then you become the person's therapist, catching the overflow of their issues at home. So there are lots more people in bed with you than just you, namely the person's partner, past partners, and perhaps children.        

    From dealing in counseling and seminars with people who have had affairs, very few of them, if any, lead to the happiness both people are seeking. What is it that you are seeking?  Intimacy. Wholeness. Connection. Relationship. Joy.

    How to break the pattern? 1. Begin to tell the truth about whether or not these affairs are getting you what you really want. You have already begun to do so, so you are well on your way. 2. Begin to develop intimacy in all of your relationships - friendships, family, work (where appropriate) and dating. Intimacy means being relaxed, open, and honest about who you are, playing no games, and leaving your heart open for connection at the level you value. You will see that as you develop stronger and more real relationships in all aspects of your life, your dating pattern will shift. 3. Refuse to get involved with someone who is already involved with someone else. The moment you hear they are with another partner, mentally write "TROUBLE" on their forehead. This may sound radical, but if you can choose to do this, you will be amazed at how your life clears up.

    You will also find that as you are ready to go deeper with yourself, you will attract people who are ready to go deeper with you. Relationship is a journey during which we are continuously getting to know ourselves better, fine tune our values and desires, and open to more of what we really want.

Can Outside Forces Affect my Relationship?

I am into my second marriage and have serious ""problems"" that I can not cope with them. We are both on a spiritual path, both trying hard to practice forgiveness but somehow it doesn't t work. My wife was doing the same work that you do. She was my teacher and was very good at it. Then we fell in love and started our relationship. When that happened, she ran out of students, tripled her debts, and ran out of business. When she tried to find out what is really going on, she was told (as I was) that my ex-wife and my mother tried to destroy her by the use of unspoken forces (i.e. voodoo) so I can return to my previous relationship. Since then she's never been the person I loved, and I have changed too. A part of me says stay and practice forgiveness and another part says leave with love and respect and let her heal herself. I have tried to leave all matters to God and his Angels, I am confused. God bless you.

    You have lots of powerful and important lessons right before you, which I suggest you face right where you are and gain mastery over them.

    Many people find that their partner or relationship changes after they get married. Sometimes this is fatal to the relationship, but most of the time it is an invitation to practice real love that goes far beyond romance. No voodoo or unspoken forces have any power over you, unless you give it to them by your beliefs.        

    Love is the strongest force in the universe, and you can make it work in your relationship. No other person can affect your relationship more than you can. Try to remember the person you loved and married, and practice seeing your wife as that person now. Focus less on where she went wrong, and more on where she went right, and who she is that you love and respect. Rather than waiting for her to heal herself, heal your own mind by beholding her from a place of blessing and appreciation. You might also go with her to a good counselor. Prayer helps, too. Many people have overcome challenges such as you are facing, and their relationships are stronger for it.

Don't Want to Lose Mr. Right

I have been with this guy for 9 months now and am totally in love with him. The other night we had an argument in which he told me that he wasn't sure if he loved me as much as he used to. That I am unhappy all the time and that He feels I think I am better than him. He also told me he wasn't sure about our future. I am not sure what to do. I really love him and don't want to lose him. HE is the man I want to marry. Can you please help... I'm really stuck, how do I win him back?

Try to relax and get a perspective on this argument and your relationship. Nine months is not a terribly long time to be with someone to get to know them and decide if you want to marry them.  Your fear of losing him tells me that you have given your power away to him. If you are unhappy, have you let him be the source of your happiness? If so, revisit your decision to let his actions decide how happy you will be. Recognize your worth to have a good relationship with the man you love. You are most attractive when you stand in your power and your worth. If this fellow is good and right for you to have a healthy relationship, he will stick around and your relationship will grow. If not, you will attract someone else who matches you. I know you want to marry HIM, but first you have to marry yourself. Then the right HIM will show up.

Guilty over Divorce

I'm in the middle of my divorce. I come from a very strict Catholic upbringing and Italian family this has been very hard for me. I've been disowned by my parents, and no one understands what I'm going thru. My former husband has cheated on me numerous times since the beginning of our marriage, 7 years. He is a compulsive liar and I found out last year that he has been abused when young physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally and mentally. To top this off, I found out that he has ADHD, anxiety, depression a series of anti social phobias, and a learning disability. Including sexual addiction. I'm seeing a counselor to help me sort this all out, from my parents and family cold shoulder, to my ex betrayal, and emotional, verbal and mental abuse towards me. My problem is guilt, I feel as I've done something wrong. I feel like I will never find happiness in my life. Regardless that my children are the light of my life, I have a new successful home based business. Why do I feel like this?
 

    This is all a tremendous opportunity for you to claim your self-worth and dump the guilt that has undermined your relationships for so long.

    Often people who were raised in a very strict religion, and were taught to feel guilty by (well-meaning parents and authority figures who felt guilty themselves and were just passing it along) feel like everything that goes wrong around them is their fault. It is not so. What you need to remember is your Original Innocence.

I suggest you study and practice A Course in Miracles. One of my favorite lessons from the Course is I am not a victim of the world I see. Also, I am affected only by my thoughts.

    Use this time as a chance to take back the power you have given to others to give or take away your happiness. You can choose to be free no matter what others around you are doing. It is very good that you are seeing a counselor who is helping you sort through your painful experiences. A good counselor will show you how to find the light inside you and love yourself independently of external events or dramas. If people don't understand you, that may be a good sign; you are following your own path, which requires no one else's approval but your own. As Abraham-Hicks says, There has never been a crowd on the leading edge. Terry Cole-Whittaker wrote a book called, What You Think of Me is None of My Business. What you thought was wrong with you may be what's right with you.

I would focus more and more on the good things that are occurring in and around you. You say that you have wonderful children and a successful business. Bravo! Let your successes by your guide, love yourself for all the blessings you have and are, pray for clarity, and let Spirit help you. You will gain peace and recognize strength you never knew you had. Best of all, you will find beauty and worth within your own being.

Fears Abuse Again

I was in an abusive marriage for 25 years and have been divorced for 15 years. Now I'm in a new relationship and am having problems. My new guy also had a bad relationship and is not committing to anything emotionally. Sometimes he says things that hurt and that cause me to recall my former abusive marriage, and I get very afraid of him. Everyone is entitled to get in a bad mood, but I don't want him taking it out on me. Also when I tell him that he is scaring me, I wish he would stop the behavior that is causing me to react. My questions are: 1. What can I do to stop reacting with fear to his moods? 2. Is there anything I can do or say when this happens to change how he is acting at the time?
 

    Congratulations for facing and sincerely seeking to heal a pattern that has cause you pain for a long time. I respect your courage and know that you can and will succeed.

    Begin by sorting out which pain is coming from your new partner's words or actions, and which pain or fear is coming from you past relationship or patterns. This will be a very illuminating study if you can be honest about it. Then begin to take responsibility for the upset you feel that is coming from inside you, and set clear and effective boundaries for anything your partner is doing that is unkind or abusive.

    Both you and your partner can use your new relationship to transform your old patterns and create an entirely new and wonderful experience in relationship. But you both have to do your inner work. At the very least, you must be more committed to your own healing, transformation, and joy, than to continuing what doesn't work. How many times would you pay to watch the same bad movie?

    You have the right and power to walk out of any theater showing a movie that is not worth the price of admission. This does not mean you need to leave the relationship. You just may need to leave the parts of the relationship that are debilitating.

    Begin by seeking to release the old patterns. Do a release ceremony (with yourself or a good friend) letting go of the pain of your former marriage and any patterns that did not work for you. Bless your ex-husband and thank him for helping you learn valuable life lessons. Declare yourself free to participate in a new and more rewarding relationship.

    You may also want to see a good counselor, individually or with your partner, to get clear on what it will take for both of you to move ahead.

    Finally, be very clear with your partner about what is acceptable to you in terms of his words and behavior. No one in a relationship, no matter how wounded or frightened they are, has the right to be mean or abusive to a partner. As you establish clear and strong boundaries, you invite your partner to step to a new level with you.

    Pay little or no attention to what was, and a lot of attention to where you want to go. Don't rehash the stories and issues of your past relationships, or else you will go right back there. Instead, talk and visualize with your partner your ideal of what you want to co-create together. Then let that be the vision that inspires both of you.

What Brought Your Partner to You?

When we first met several yrs. ago, I remember that you where asking  in  prayer to meet your divine right partner. I have the sense that you met her !! So, my question is , What is it that finally brought her forward to you? Also, are you married and how long have you been together ? I am very happy for you !!!

    Dee and I have been together for nearly five years. We met simply as friends, and were not seeking a partner at the time. We just began to spend relaxed time together, and enjoyed each other's company. It was very easy, gentle, and natural. We weren't trying to make anything happen. We noticed that we were spending more and more time together without even thinking about it. Although we didn't realize it, we were building a relationship from the ground up, as friends. Looking back now, I see this is the healthiest way to create a relationship, getting to know each other as real people rather than a fantasy. Sure and steady rather than rockets and romance. We respect each other a great deal, talk about things that are stimulating to both of us, and we get silly. Lots of good elements.

    I believe that when you're ripe, ready, open, and relaxed, relationships flow naturally. I wish you all the right conditions and attitudes to create the relationship your heart desires.
 

Alright to Verbalize Anger?

Is it alright to verbalize my anger to someone who has been rude or critical? I find that if I don't, it gets bottled up inside me.
 

It's alright to verbalize your anger, but you might want to think about how to do it in a time and way that brings the results you desire. If you are in the moment of upset, and you come at the other person in an angry way, you are likely to create a reaction in them that just keeps the cycle of fear, anger, attack, guilt, and separateness going. If you can gather yourself, either in that moment or a later one, to communicate that you are angry in a way that does not make the other person wrong or alienate them, you stand a good chance to create healing and move beyond your upset. Remember that anger is fear under pressure. If you can identify your fear and deal with that, you will undo your anger from the level that is causing it, and anger will no longer be the issue. Fear dissipates when you shine the light of awareness on it. Keep peeling away the layers of fear until you find your deep inner strength, and you will be amazed at how you find answers and tools that dissolve the anger that you thought was the issue. Then you will have used the experience as a platform for healing, and end up blessing yourself and the other person in powerful ways.

Still in Love with Ex-Girlfriend

I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend and have no interest in dating anyone new. My ex says "it's over" but I still cling to the idea that we're soulmates and that we'll get back together some day... Is it okay to have these feelings about my ex, or should I forget her and move on? I'm confused. Please help!
 

It can be very painful and frustrating to feel so much for someone who says she is not there. Now would be a very good time for you to do a reality check on the relationship. Is she really over it, or is she just saying so? If she says so repeatedly, I would take her word for it. No use banging your head against a wall. One of the principles I teach in my programs is "Work with the willing." Even if your ex-partner has moved on, you have learned and grown through your relationship. And look at all the love you have to offer some good woman! I believe that there are many potential "soulmates" available to each person. If one door closes, another one will open. "Rejection is protection." If she does not want to be with you now, assume it's for a good reason that will benefit you, too. Instead of spending your time and energy trying to get back with her, visualize the kind of relationship you would love, and step into that energy. If your ex-partner is right and good for you, she may come around and want to rekindle your romance. But don't wait for that. Become the best possible person you can, and are, and trust the universe to link you up with someone who matches you perfectly.

I Give my Power Away

I am a strong woman but give away my power in love relationships. I'm frustrated because I know this but don't know how not to do it! Issues of abandonment, insecurity and rejection surface every single time. Please help me find my way out of this cycle.
 

It can be frustrating, even frightening to repeat a pattern of giving your power away in relationships. I think most of us have done this at one time or another, a lot or a little. The fact that you are aware of this pattern, and are fed up with it, is a sign that you are ready to shift - and you will. The best and most comprehensive suggestion I can give you is to read the first chapter of my book "Why Your Life Sucks and What You Can Do About It," which goes into great detail about reclaiming your power, including lots of practical examples.

How Important is Forgiveness?

If after a relationship ends, and you work on yourself...realize that that relationship was very bad for you and that you are much better off without it...how do you stop wishing doom to that person? I hold anger even though I realize that I am better off without him. I want him to be sorry, but I feel that it is biting me in the butt. How important is forgiveness? How can I stop having hopes that this person never gets over losing me. It sounds funny, but it is really not! If you have any suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated.
 

Forgiveness is all important. It is more of a gift to yourself than the other person. Let him and the relationship go for your sake, more than his. The more you dwell on what went wrong or wish him ill, the more you are tied to what didn't work and bad feelings. The blessing of letting him go is that you free yourself to move on to a relationship that is more rewarding. I discuss this topic and lots more in my book, "Happily Even After." You asking this question means that you are ready master it and move on.

Am I Too Strict on Myself?

I have sort of a dilemma. I have been divorced twice and in both of my marriages I lost myself. I have set my boundaries for my future relationships and it seems that at around three months my girlfriends start telling me that I do not pay enough attention or do enough for them. I try to do what I am capable of and I am a very loving and giving person. What usually happens after they voice their wants, is that I feel that my freedom is going to be taken away and that I will have to change who I am to please them. I don\'t ever want to lose myself again. I have been thru 4 relationships over the past year and a half. They always seem to fall apart because of my strong sense of self. I am wondering if I am too strict on myself and maybe should give in a little but apart of me tells me to stay the course and not give in. Is there something wrong with me?
 

Realizing that you have lost yourself is the first step to finding yourself. So your marriages really served your process of self-discovery and you can bless them. You keep attracting the same kind of women and relationships because you are holding beliefs and expectations. As those beliefs shift, so will your relationships. No woman (or anyone) can take away your freedom unless you give it to them. As you get clear that your freedom is intact no matter what happens around you, you will own it. The fact that you have been in a 4 relationships over the last year and a half is not about the relationships, but your fear, which you can shift only by going within and finding out the truth about you. The relationships do not fall apart because of your strong sense of self, but your doubts. Fear is never the bottom line truth; love is. As you fall in love with yourself, you will attract people who feel the same way. There is nothing wrong with you, Brian; you are just in the process of discovering who you are and how relationship works, like all of us. There is nothing to give in to, but much to be gained by connection with yourself and your spirit. I suggest you take a break from relationships for a while, and focus on deepening your inner connection. Do you know your own wholeness whether you are in a relationship or not? Can you enjoy your own company? Prayer, meditation, reading uplifting books, getting together with people you feel good about, will all nurture you at the roots. Then, when you are ready, you will step into the world of relationship again, approach it from an entirely new angle, and get entirely new results.

Leaving Abusive Relationship

I'm 41 this month and all those years suck to the max; relating to every chapter of your awesome book, Why your life Sucks. Thank you for validating my sucky life and most importantly giving me and many others, a chance to realize it and do something about it while I still can. I appreciate your writing so much I read the book twice and now I will go out to the bookstore to buy one of my own so I could pass this library copy to someone who is in need of it. Mahalo Nui loa! More power and blessings to you...Question: Will you pray for me while I am in the process of leaving an abusive relationship of 20 years which